Coffees and Commutes

Making choices

February 22, 2012

Lately it feels like I’m coming here more and more to write about how busy I am. And if I’m not writing about how busy I am here, or here, I’m thinking about how busy I am. And then I start to think about what I can do to slow down the pace of my life, to remember to breathe, to protect myself from getting caught up in it all in an unhealthy way. No matter how much I turn it around in my head, right now, today, something has to give.

My life is rich and full. I’m finally well, consistently well. Of course, I have bad days. And yes, I’m still working through many personal challenges. But I’m happy more often than not, I’m productive more often than not, and my well of patience feels mostly full again for the first time since before my children were born. At least most days.

I’m working on several stimulating, yet incredibly intellectually and time-challenging projects. They are soaking up most of my creative energy and capacity to think.

I’m trying hard to make my relationships with my husband, and downtime with him really about being with him, rather than escaping into my computer. I admit, I’m not always good at this, but I’m working on it.

My children are flourishing and growing and generally challenging us in so many wonderful and irritating ways every day. They are 3 and 5 1/2 now. When did that happen? They are settling later at night which leaves less time for me. I’m okay with this. It’s how I expect it to be.

I’m surrounded by friends who care for me, and who make a difference in my life in so many ways. Some of them are online and who I hope will remain firmly a part of my life, but many more are offline and I want to give them my attention. Some of them need my attention.

And so my life is full—to brimming if I’m being quite honest.

And that leaves little room for what I do here. This writing, this connecting and sharing. There is so little of me left to devote to this space in a way that I would want to be able to do that. It’s not that writing has become less important to me, it’s just that I have to make choices in my life. Isn’t that what motherhood and womanhood and balance are all about?

Making choices—choices we can support and sustain.

And for now I can’t sustain this blog. I’m spent by the time I carve out a moment to write, and that means I’m not writing the things I want to be writing. That means it becomes a chore. When it becomes a chore, it creates guilt.

The last thing I need in my life is guilt. I’ve worked too hard to find some emotional and mental stability.

So when I’m not coming here, when I’m unable to visit all my favourite blog spaces and read and connect, I feel guilty. I also feel sad, and somewhat empty, but mostly I feel guilty.

But the thing is, that guilt is entirely of my own making. So the only way I see to undo it, at least for now, is to eliminate it. I have to give myself permission to let it go so that it doesn’t hang over me every day, so it doesn’t gnaw at my conscience.

To leave this space untended is gut-wrenching, even as I write this I can feel myself resisting. It has been so many things to me over the last few years. But I realize now that those thing will never leave me, I can always come back when I’m ready. Or not, if I never am. But when I do, I want it to be for the right reasons. I want it to feel comfortable and natural and a privilege rather than a chore. I want it to be because I have something to say, and to share. Just now, I don’t feel that way.

So for now, I’m stepping away. I expect this will be a long break. The things that are taking up so much of my energy at the moment are far from being over, the light in the tunnel is still only a speck. And who knows, maybe next week I’ll have something burning to write about and you’ll see me back here eating crow. But I don’t think so. I think that this permission I’m giving myself is going to free up just the right amount of space, space that I desperately need.

In the meantime, you’ll still find me in all the usual places like here, or here. Or you can always drop me a line here. I’ll be around, just in a different, more simple way for the next little while.

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Book review and giveaway: This beautiful life

February 12, 2012

I first published this review in August 2011. Now that the paperback edition is available, I’m sharing it again and giving a copy away. The subject matter covered in This Beautiful Lifeis incredibly relevant, especially for parents whose children are starting to use, or are actively engaging social media. But more than that, it’s an important reflection on self-identity and family dynamics. I expect we’ll see more and more discourse on this. It’s definitely worth the read.

To win a copy of the book, simply leave your name in the comments below. I’ll do the draw on Friday, February 17 at 6 p.m. EST.

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Over the last year I’ve been reading mostly non-fiction, memoirs, parenting guides, and spiritual guides. They’ve helped to give some shape to my life, kept me digging deep, and moving forward. But every once in a while I’ve needed a break, which I’ve found in a good dose of fiction to lose myself in. I call them inhalers, the kind of books you pick up and just can’t put down until the last page, until you reach some form of closure and deep satisfaction. I lose myself in words, words that draw distinct and incredible edges around fictional worlds that can be engaging and entertaining, sometimes shocking, often moving.

On Monday I endured a really long travel day that began before 7 a.m. and didn’t finally end until I collapsed in my hotel room after 8 p.m. The comedy of delays was made bearable only by the lack of children in tow, and because I had ample time to crack the cover on an inhaler, This Beautiful Life by Helen Schulman. And while it was very a much a page turner that I practically devoured, it also had a plot line that hit close to home and has left me feeling concern and deep unease.

This Beautiful Life is the story of the Bergamots, who have moved from a comfortable upstate college town to New York City. This upper-class family’s life is ripped apart when Jake, the 15-year-old son, wakes up one morning after an unchaperoned party and finds a sexually explicit email in his in-box from an eighth-grade admirer. In his youthful naivete, he forwards the video to a friend, who then for-wards it to a friend and within hours, it’s gone viral, all over the school, the city, the world. What follows is an exploration of the boundaries of privacy and the definition of self and a critical commentary of modern life ripe with critical, and sometimes satirical, observations about family, morality, and the choices we make as parents.

While the story was entertaining, gripping, and culturally important, I was struck by the lack of depth to the plot. There is so much Schulman could have done to more fully develop the characters and explore the larger social issues that defined them that I was left somewhat disappointed. My gut reaction is that this book was rushed to print to be the first to initiate discussion of the issues explored rather than to fully develop this controversial topic.

That aside, I did find the characters compelling and her descriptors rich with imagery. The story itself raised interesting and important awareness of the future struggles I am sure to face when my own boys approach adolescence, things that we’ve all struggled with: self-worth, belonging, understanding and communicating emotions and feelings and helping them navigate their new independence and find their way in the world.

If you are looking for an emotional read with true-to-life and compelling characters, that requires you to keep turning the pages while obliging a deeper consideration of your own parenting style and relationship modelling, then I recommend this book. Those of you who, like me, have young children will be glad for the early eye-opener, and those with children closer to or deep into adolescence will seriously reflect on the broader consequences of your child’s use of technology and how you parent and influence their personal lives.

(Full disclosure: Harper Collins sent me a review copy of This Beautiful Life)

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Let’s Talk

February 8, 2012

I don’t think I have to tell any of you how important this stuff is to me and my family, but as a reminder to all my Canadian friends, don’t forget to make a long distance call or send a text over the Bell Network today. For every text message sent and every long distance call [...]

Getting comfortable with discomfort

February 5, 2012

If you were to ask me to describe myself here is what I’d tell you: I’m enthusiastic and emotional. I laugh and cry openly. I can be argumentative. I have heart. I’m empathetic. I’m willing to listen. I take everything personal, and I over-analyze every conversation. I’m easily convinced. And I’m a people pleaser. I [...]

Learning to Breathe: A review

January 31, 2012

People have come into my life in a profoundly perfect way over the past year. – Priscilla Warner, Learning to Breathe: My Yearlong Quest to Bring Calm to My Life I know just how this feels. It’s a remarkable thing. A gift really. To receive exactly what or who you need, precisely when you need [...]

On trusting our intuitive and creative selves

January 22, 2012

I’ve been taking an online course called Emerge. The course is designed around developing the creative tools we need to help us face our seasons of change. It’s little wonder a friend recommended it to me. For two years (it’s hard to believe that I’ve been working on Project Finding Me for that long!) I’ve [...]

Idling

January 17, 2012

There isn’t much going on around these parts these days. That is to say not much beyond my hectic life as a full-time working mom with two busy boys. So, of course, I’m busy. But I’m also idling with the familiar rumble of routine filling may day. I’ve settled comfortably into the depths of January, a [...]

Calm

January 7, 2012

Today has been quiet, not in a literal way since I live in a home filled with boys, but in a figurative way. After months of being swept up in the cadence of a busy life, I’ve gently reminded myself of the importance of protecting quiet time, time that is free of obligation, when I [...]

Intoxicating

January 4, 2012

The most important revelations always happen when you aren’t expecting them. I think it’s when we let down our guard, or when we are looking the other way. We spend so much of our lives searching for meaning that we easily forget that many of the answers are right there inside us, just waiting to [...]

The crux of it

December 29, 2011

Last night I asked Twitter if I should do the obvious and write a resolutions post. Those who responded overwhelmingly answered no, at least not unless I was going to do a different kind of resolutions post. And that was the problem, I couldn’t think of a different way to do it. But I was [...]

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