When we were first dating I didn’t know. I didn’t know about my husband’s love of motorcycles. I’m not sure how that happened, how it never came up in conversation, but it didn’t. Or at least not that I can remember. Maybe I was so focused on impressing and charming him that I chose to overlook it. But after we were married he made his love known. To say that I was unimpressed is an understatement. Not only was I unimpressed, but I adamantly refused to support it. I would not have my husband barreling around on two motorized vehicles. And I was angry that I didn’t know of his passion for these death traps before we were married. Maybe love is blind.
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Fast forward a few years. We’ve built our first house and we’re enjoying a comfortable and happy marriage. We both have successful careers and are moving up our respective professional ladders. We don’t have children yet, and so we are relatively financially comfortable. We’re settled.
We’re settled until the subject of motorcycles comes up again. And I’m fiercely upset about it. I cannot express just how divisive the issue is in our marriage. There are major battles in our house. There are tears and hurtful words. And there is fear, my fear of motorcyles and that this issue will destroy everything we’ve built. He’s not letting it go, it means that much to him. And I’m not letting it go, it means that much to me. We’re at an impasse.
For awhile we ignore it and avoid discussing it. Things calm. But it’s lurking, always lurking. My husband has so few personal interests and this one is in his blood. He comes from a family of avid motorcyclists. My step-mother warns me it isn’t going away.
So I sit with it. I toss it around in my mind. I make my peace with it. I realize that while it won’t cause the end of us, it will drive a wedge that would be far worse. That would lead to lifelong resentment. I recognized what that would mean. I knew that it would be devastating in ways far worse than the alternative – the alternative that I won’t even mention here.
And so not only did I leap, I vaulted over the abyss and I bought him his first motorcycle. Yes I did. For our anniversary. The joy and amazement on his face the day I gave it to him was more than I could have imagined. I had gained leverage that would probably last a lifetime.
(For humour’s sake, I must tell you, it was that same night that we conceived our first son, after months of trying. Coincidence? I don’t think so.)
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This brings me to this past weekend. I’ve come a long way. While I haven’t given up my fear and worry when he is out riding, I do accept it and try to make time in our schedule for him to get away, on his own to ride.
But that wasn’t enough. I’ve also been feeling a need to connect with him in this joy of his. I wanted to experience it, perhaps even understand it. I wanted to reach out and see what it was all about.
So this past Saturday I went for my first ride. I refused to jump on the back of his sport bike, so my father-in-law kindly loaned us his touring Harley. Yes, a Harley. It rumbles and has presence. But it’s built for two and appeared to be very comfortable.
We left the boys with my parents. We dressed in our riding gear (okay, I have no riding gear but I donned a pair of jeans, a comfy sweatshirt and my mother-in-law’s helmet). The clouds were gray and ominous, but I had to do it for fear of losing my nerve. I packed a rain jacket and hoped for the best.
Off we rode.
For the first couple of blocks as we approached the highway I was sure I would bail. It was too much. I’m not a risk taker. But through sheer determination I stayed with it and we rode for about three hours. It poured. We got soaking wet. The rain pelted against my face like little needles. The wind was wild and fierce. I tensed at every corner. But I wasn’t terrified. Only nervous and anxious.
As we drove down a lengthy straightaway, after the rain had stopped and I was mostly dry, I was struck and amused by the fact that the wind and the rumble helped me to clear my mind. It was truly the most peaceful moment I have had in ages. I knew I would ride again.
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
Look at you, Motorcycle Mama! I fear the beasts myself, so I can feel your pain.
I have such an aversion to motorcycles. Such an aversion. Perhaps even bigger than yours was, before you gave in.
I can't see myself riding one, honestly. But I've also learned to never say never, so I guess we'll just have to see.
Your post reminds me of this book, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance."
So glad you made this leap, Christine. How amazing that you guys are able to reconcile your differences on this matter, and not only that, you're able to gain a refreshing new perspective from this experience as well.
My Guy is into fast cars and we go, as a family, to the tracks once a year and I sat in with him once. I never did it again because it scares the heck out of me but I'm glad I did that one time because it made me understand his point of view. Walking a mile in someone's shoes or riding around in a vehicle of their choice – same difference right?
Wow! That IS zen in a most unexpected place. Brava. Me? I'm more of a bicycle chick
You are too cute
Maybe you'll be getting your motorcycle license in no time!
My parents are actually on a road trip on my dad's Goldwing right now! They love it, they've had bikes for a while (my mom had one in college, and dad got into it just a few years ago) but it's really brought them together. So who knows
I totally get your motorcycle aversion. I even had a boyfriend sell his (I promise I didn't put him up to it) because of me. But your full circle revelation? Wow! You're a better woman that I am!
My hubby's recent desire was to own a flock of chickens. As soon as we moved into the country last November, he started planning. I was initially appalled, then annoyed, and finally agreed to it, as long as he would raise them. Well, the chicks arrived the day before he took off for a week-long business trip. So those 25 little peeps were depending on me to keep them alive that treacherous first week, when it is average to lose 25% of your tiny yellow flock. All 25 made it and melted my heart. Sometimes just going with it brings the most wonderful results…
As a formerly avid biker (got my first dirt bike in my early teens and my street license right after my car license). I get your husband's passion (especially for sport bikes) and I'm very glad to hear you enjoyed your ride.
I am fearful of motorcycles, but most of the people in my life either have them or want to have them. I joke around about riding around in a side car (though those things are much more dangerous!).
I've heard about the serenity of the open road on a motorcycle. Glad to hear it could be a great way for you to find it.
Eek. I will NOT let my husband read this. He is not an avid motorcyclist, but he keeps hinting that one day we will buy one. *Shudder.*
I'm so jealous? Why? My husband used to ride his motorcycle all the time. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. The motorcycle guy who could quote Shakespeare. But nowadays, his poor bike has collected dust. He's always "too busy" with other stuff. I wish he'd ride again. I hope he rides again because I love going along! Enjoy this new found way of feeling free.
I HATE bikes too. thankfully my husband isn't into them… but I think it is so wonderful that you were able to meet him where his passion lays. This is lovely.
a GREAT story! it can teach us all a little about how compromise and tolerance can go a long way in a marriage. this sounds like it was a huge deal for you–congrats on handling it so well.
last month, i rode on the back of a motorcycle for the first time. it was a short ten-minute ride and at a comfortable speed. no ripping around corners or other foolishness.
my Zen moment was looking to the right and seeing a bird flying just 10 feet away at my eye level. the bird was watching me. and i was watching the bird. that was pretty cool.
don't ask me when i'll get back on a bike. don't ask.
I'm so, SO happy you finally took the plunge, Christine. J must have been ecstatic, too!
Motorcycles scare me, too. But I also know the amazing feeling of riding on the back of one! I briefly dated a guy just before I met Hubby who had a bike and he picked me up for dates with it all the time. I loved it! I think it was the only reason I kept dating him, actually!
I loved this story. A lot. I actually got a little teary!
How big of you! How adult. How loving and self sacrificing. What an incredible wife you are. Then to share that passion. Good for you for taking a leap of faith. A risk. You are much braver than I.
I'm like you – scared of motorcycles and the risk they seem to be. But I'm so proud of you for opening up to this for him. Good for you!
Aww! Good for you for letting your husband revel in what he loves. Isn't it strange how much we discover about ourselves when we let go a little? I'm pretty afraid of motercycles myself, so you look pretty brave to me!
Hi, I came to your blog through sarahcasm; I've read a few of your posts and although I have been lurking so far, I enjoy your words; so I had to comment.
My dad was a motorcycle enthusiast; my mom was always scared of them, but the rule in our house way back then was you can't go out with a boy with a motorcycle when you are old enough but maybe one day you can go for a ride with your Daddy.
My father passed away when I was 15, but although he is gone, this post made me think of him and the peace his motorcycle brought him, just him & the wind… he was careful, but you could always see the joy when he came in from a ride; and I was lucky enough to go for a ride around the campground and around our block when I was about 10 or 11, and I swear the memory of hanging on to him for dear life, no matter how short the ride, well it was exhilarating and fun and I'm not sure there is anything like it… so thank you for your words… they sparked an old memory of my father.
And Congrats for learning and growing in your marriage, keeping an open mind is so important in our every day lives.
Looking forward to reading more from you on this subject
You are far braver than I my dear! I will not go into the incidents in my own motorcycle loving family that have led me to my utter disdain for the contraptions. My hubby wanted one and I vetoed it. He never had the love for them so he will not know what he is missing!
BRAVO. Oh BRAVO :~) Being a bike lover since the age of three when I used to ride just a few yards tucked into the front of my dad on his bike and having married a biking man ~ our only transport until our son was born was a bike ~ I am sort of biased the other way. I just love the freedom I feel when I am on the back. It brought tears to my eyes that you were so strong and determined not to let this drive a wedge between you. What a huge thing you did. A deep bow to you and I hope you grow to love your bike-rides.
p.s. A HARLEY ~ swoon ~ :~)
Christine: This is a cool story. I love that you bought the motorcycle and even rode it. Wow. What a supportive wife!
I love that you recognized how you had to bridge this impasse between you! And I love that you enjoyed your first ride! My husband and I used to ride all the time before we had kids {I actually used to work at a Harley shop} and It was the most peaceful and calming thing!
Way to go! Congrats on buying him the motorcycle and now going for a nice long ride. I love that you will go again. Who ever knows what we're going to like once we get over our fear and loathing?
Good for you doing this and I am sure your husband was just thrilled to have you along for the ride.
I dated a man who rode a motorcycle. I loved it, although the idea of my boys riding scares the crap outa me!
Wish we'd had a chance to talk last night at Brain Drain. Our stories are spookily similar
DH had a motorcycle early in our relationship. I forced its sale after a family member was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident. Many years, arguments, debates & silence later, there is a black and red sport bike sitting in our garage. It came to live with us this spring. And I practice deep breathing.
I love being reminded how marriage is compromise and love. Happy 10 years!!
I hope your husband appreciates you.
I can relate b/c my husband LOVES motorcycles, although I knew about it before we were married. I still worry but my Dad had one so I guess I was already a little used to the idea of someone I love being on a bike.
I'm so happy you found some peace on the back of something that originally was a source of fear and worry. A great reminder that sometimes those things that seem so worrisome can actually be quite opposite.
I have to tell you, Christine, that I can so relate to this. My hubby is a hunter. He's an avid hunter. I grew up living with a cop for a mom, and she always instilled the fear of God in us about touching her gun. So I was squimish to say the least when we married and I lived with guns.
We did a lot of compromising, like you guys. He bought some safes, and I went out shooting to learn how to properly use a firearm.
There's a peace now between. And they are not so scary any more to me because they are not so unknown now.
Great moment. So glad you linked. And I love the picture!
That was really big of you to overlook your distaste for motorcycles in order to give him something that he loves. Also great that you even opted to ride with him! That shows love and sacrifice!
Hurray! I love this post! See, I still wouldn't be on the bike and I think I would have left my husband!
An endearing story of love and acceptance. Bravo to you. xo
You are a brave, brave woman. I will never ride one, they scare the crap out of me. But I'm glad that you found peace inside if facing a fear. That is amazing.
You are a brave, brave woman. I will never ride one, they scare the crap out of me. But I'm glad that you found peace inside if facing a fear. That is amazing.
You are a brave, brave woman. I will never ride one, they scare the crap out of me. But I'm glad that you found peace inside if facing a fear. That is amazing.
Good for you for facing (and conquering) your fear! The fact that you found a moment of clarity during your ride is the icing on the cake! What an awesome gift.
That is absolutely wonderful!
I have wonderful memories of riding on a motorcycle through Yellowstone. My dad has always loved motorcycle riding, but after their accident last spring, I have been unable to look at a motorcyclist without feeling a little bit ill. No more motorcycles for them (or me), even if riding them is such a fantastic experience.
Christine, this art of compromise (and, now, motorcycle maintenance?
) is the stuff that marital dreams are made of. Talk about the bigger picture! Way to go.
My dad and his brothers are riders, too. They had to keep it from my grandmother until she died because of a terrible accident that happened when I was just barely able to remember. I always think of her now, up in Heaven or Wherever, sternly shaking her finger at them while being the guardian angel on their sideboards.
PS: I am so glad to have finally found a few moments today to catch up on my favorite blogs. Oh, how I have missed you! And I'm looking forward to seeing the changes you've hinted at.
My husband had one for about a year and even though it scared me shitless, I did enjoy it!
Now that's love. Good job valuing the relationship above self this time. And showing him how much he means to you. Sacrifices like this are what make marriage work.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your kind words.
Painfully honest and moody will get me almost every time. Had to come check yours out.
Have a great day. You know, if you want to.